Yee gads!  The BreakAway bus leaves again in just 19 days–this time for 5 weeks in Europe with the whole famn damily of 4.  We are, of course, in a calculated state of denial, which, when turned inside out, resembles measured panic.  Although we’ve traveled a lot, everyone prefers blithe ignorance regarding planning, preparing, packing, ETC!

• Enter the agitated task-master

As my family’s chief chef, bottle-washer, errand-runner, schedule-maker, general contractor, list-steward, and task-master, this particular phase of travel brings me as much joy as a colonoscopy.  I’ve lived through one of those now, and thus know all things must pass—including this pain-in-the-ass prep stage.  Thank God!

Still, the first digit on the clock is one number earlier when sleep abrubtly stops each night.  Soon, there will be no need to go to bed at all.  Funny.  The mind can’t stop agonizing over countless tedious tasks in the middle of the night.  But in the middle of the afternoon, it lacks the mental competence (and time) to attack said details.

• Let us all praise Doug Mack

Lucky for me, a copy of Doug Mack’s Europe on 5 Wrong Turns a Day graces my bedside.  He’s a friend and a heckuva funny writer.  And during last night’s insomnia, I found desperately needed inspiration as he trashed Amsterdam and Belgium.  He made me smirk at stoned tourists, aloof eateries, and the pissing-boy statue.

In other words, in the dark of night, Doug lightened up this BreakAway blogger.  Arthur Frommer’s Europe on 5 Dollars a Day is dead!  Long live wrong turns, long lines, tourist traps, and the bloated Euro!  Bring on jet lag, busted luggage, and whiny progeny who will prefer iPod games when presented the wonders of the world!

Doug’s memoir confirms that travel is both a nightmare and a dream.  Many pursuits will disappoint, yet serendipity will abound.  A sav-trav attitude is in order, yet even veteran bon vivants confront disappointments daily.  They key is to keep your sense of humor, self, and place.

Doug’s bold storytelling also gave me the guts to get back on my blog-horse and, maybe, log this ride.  After all, his journey brought him a book deal!  And if that doesn’t work out, well, nobody reads most blogs anyway, right?  I mean, not even my mom.  So what have I got to lose, other than time?

Time?  I got time—or soon will.  That’s what BreakAways are all about:  Making and taking time for what matters.  Capturing the moments from a once-in-a-lifetime European family adventure.  This stuff matters.

Besides, writing and picture-taking take on more meaning when you fly away from your already-seen scene.  And you observe more mindfully.  If nobody views my stuff, so what?  It gives me literary license to say whatever the hell I want with no risk—which may be its own reward.  So thanks, Doug (I think).

• Can we get there from here?

The itinerary, in brief, features Tuscany, Denmark, and Sweden.  Tuscany offers a place we know, and have even “lived,” plus a two-week extended family group-grope gathering that, one hopes, will be good for the kids.  Think: Cousins.  Grandparents.  Goats.  Soccer in mountain pastures and village piazzas.  Daily gelati.

Then we bid the rellies arriverderci and head north to Scandinavia—praying to the Pope and anyone else who will listen that the unglorious Nordic cuisine doesn’t head too far south, breezes up there are not too northerly, and the stoic Scandi-hoovians serve up some sort of la dolce vita.

The Big Idea here stems from wanting to show the kids “where they came from.”  That we are “more than just American.”  That the family lore and fading lingo that somehow live on here are alive and well there.

Years ago, on BreakAway #1 (one whole dang year off in the Caribbean and Europe), visiting Scandinavia was a coveted vision for me—and, yes, it DID live up to the heartfelt vibes that pulled me there.

Will it for them?  Can we get there from here?  Should we just stay in Italy and soak up sun and vino and study la dolce far niente?  Naah.  Let’s give our children wings and roots.

Today’s Washington Post announces that, for the first time in history, the majority of  babies being born in America are minorities.  In other words, minorities are the majority now.  It’s a timely twist as I show my offspring where they got their (increasingly rare) blue eyes and blond hair.

But we also aim to wander in ancient castles, build short-lived sandcastles, dance around a ginormous Midsommer bonfire, and bask as a family in summer days that are so long the sun barely sets.

Rain or shine, may those days dramatically differ from the multi-sport/traffic-jam/laundry pile-ups /homework & concerts/dates and playdates/alarm-clocky/Subway-in-the-SUV routine that life can become when two parents, a 15-year young man, and a 9-year-old girl get lost in Modern-Family America.

So let’s get lost.  It’s about time.  And let’s take that time, while we still can.

Care to join us?  Please do!  It gets lonely telling tales when nobody listens.  But I’ll do it anyway—knowing that the stories and scenes that await are truly priceless, and they will only appreciate in value as the years fly by.  We’ll be glad to have these keepsakes, someday.

Someday.  There’s that word again.  In 19 nerve-racking days, sweet Someday will arrive again…

My hat tips to the wonderful people and travel passions behind Amateur Traveler.  We found each other recently for a podcast about the Twin Cities. Not only was the little journey a hoot, it also made me realize how cool my hometown is—and how one need not go far to get that getaway feeling.

• MSP rocks!

For probably the first time, like, ever, I took the time to check out TC guidebooks, websites, and tourist info.  I got excited over and over (and also sometimes embarrassed—when I realized how many fun spots I’ve forgotten about).

Of course, I also stole some hours to just sit in the sun, stare at the water, and make a short list of suggested sites.  That list must be substantial, because my babble-fest was so long the the podcast will be a two-part series.  (!?!)

Part 1 is focused on the flashy Minne twin.

Episode 2 explores the more stately St. Paul.

You can listen to them here and let me know what you think!

So thanks to AmTrav for reminding me to get off my routine and go back to some favorite—and recommended—places like…

• The Minnesota Twins’ Target Field. Who cares if their record is the worst in baseball?  We still love the game, our bungling bums, and this world-class ballyard.
• The State Theater in downtown Minneapolis. This place is so artistic that a concert is hardly necessary.
• The Mary Tyler Moore statue on Nicollet Mall. On a good day, who doesn’t want to believe, “You’re going to make it after all!” and throw your hat to the wind?
• The lakes.  Minnetonka, Calhoun, White Bear, Owasso.  Does’t really matter which one, or what brought you to the shores of sky-blue waters.
• THE river. She starts just north of here, snakes through both downtowns, and doesn’t rest til she flows into the Gulf of Mexico.
• Summit Avenue. St. Paul’s mansion row still hosts ghosts like F. Scott Fitzgerald and railroad barons—and yet is always a stone’s throw from dozens of establishments where you can party like it’s 1899.

Minneapolis/St. Paul really ARE the original Twin Cities, you know.  All others are imposters.

At least, that’s what I told AmTrav—where you can find more than 320 podcasts on countless locations (now including MSP) to help sweeten your travels.

Thanks again, Chris!

Attention vagabonds: Airbnb has become the hottest travel tool since the airplane—while bringing to life another trend called “collaborative consumption.”

I pity the sterile hotels that have to compete with this vivacious option.  And as these Fast Company stories confirm, the ripples from this wave reach far and deep…

• A New York woman made enough new money to handle unexpected medical expenses—and found inspiration in the healthy lifestyles of her guests.

• A Berkeley couple averted an empty retirement nest egg crisis, started saving for the future, and now dig into their bucket list of travel aspirations.

• A woman from Rome was able to leave her humdrum job and start a new business from home.

• After a divorce, a German man opened up his quiet house and makes new friends, practices his English, and happily moves on with his life.

• A San Francisco woman was able to make the move for a dream job—thanks to the instant and affordabe housing she found through Airbnb.

This BreakAway family has lounged in a NOLA rowhouse packed with eye-popping art, provincial vibes, and all the creature comforts of home.  Soon, we’ll move into pads in Scandinavia—again offering amenities o-mega, and at affordable prices.

It’s hard to imagine travel without this terrific tool—or life before it came along.

Next time you want to travel, jump on the Airbnb bandwagon!

A few nights ago, I returned from an event to join my extended family—which in this case included five children in a living room.  They were gathered in darkness around a blaring TV.  Four of them had devices in their hands.  Nobody was talking, and few looked up when I entered the room.  No:

“Good evening, Mr. Cleaver!”

The only child without a device was my nine-year-old daughter.  And I actually felt sorry for her.

SURVEY SEZ…

• 42% of parents worldwide say they don’t take time to have fun with their kids on a daily basis.
• 49% say that, when spending time as a famiy, their families are distracted by technology.
• 55% of working parents say their mobile devices and computer technology mean it’s too easy to stay connected to work during time with family.

Although I felt sorry for my daughter for not having the toy the others did, I feel sorry for all of us.  If my house provides any indicator, here are just a few of the one-time guidelines that have completely gotten forgotten…

• Don’t text where you sh*t.
• Eating zones are tech-free zones.
• Adults will kindly refrain from turning all spaces into work spaces.
• Homework, music practice, and chores (as if) come before digitalia.
• Devices are put to bed an hour before bedtime, including on weekends.

Beat ‘em or join ‘em?

Those of us who still aren’t addicted to technology have difficult decisions to make.  Do we give up, inhale, and become another one of them?  Do we stubbornly keep insisting that real life is the 3D kind (that doesn’t require glasses) and risk being left out?  Do we get serious about moving somewhere that is still real?

Can we even have this discussion anymore, or is it just too late?  I fear I know the answer.

At least in my house.

Dan Buettner, a local boy done real good, is changing the way the world feels about being blue.  His original Blue Zones book and the latest Thrive are selling by the boatload—with evergreen promises like “Live Longer” and “Be Happier.”

His “Blue Zones Project” collaborates with communities and cities, including nearby Albert Lea, where residents increased their average life expectancy by three years.  Now, that claim may make some of us math-heads ask for proof.  But that proof must NOT be in the pudding, since the same townsfolk shed a combined six tons of body flab.

• Next Up:  Blue Zones Retreats

Mr. Buettner (or if I may, Mr. B.) obviously has tremendous insight into many the habits and factors that meaningfully contribute to health and wellbeing.  Which is why I was downright giddy to read that he’s now advocating BreakAways (which he calls, brand-appropriately, Blue Zones Retreats).  While I’ve traditionally enumerated 14 Ways to shape a BreakAway, Mr. Blue narrows it down to 9:  Move Naturally; Downshift; Purpose; Plant Slant; 80% Rule; Wine at 5; Family First; Faith Community; and Right Tribe.

His trumpeting of taking time is great news, and inspires us to examine our own chapter for completeness—while also engaging in a gentle virtual confab with a mass-media, lifestyle master.

So with all due respect and tongue (but no snuff) in check, here some responses to his assertions…

• Move Naturally. Mr. B. believes a Blue “vacation…requires movement throughout the day…to qualify.  Sitting by the pool does not.”  MYBA:  We agree, and state, “you will feel better, and find more balance, and just plain have more endurance if you include some activity.”  That said, though, we also embrace the rare, sheer R&R day—on the dock, beach, or boat.

• Downshift. Mr. B. recommends leaving your “electronics at home—or at least in the hotel room.”  MYBA:  We, too, preach unplugging, and in “Put Your Job on Hold” assert, “Taking a tech break is energizing and expansive.”  We make one exception, though, in advocating that escapees “cart along whatever it takes” to “capture your day daily.”

• Purpose. Mr. B. says, “Live out your values.”  MYBA:  Yessir!  Our chapterette called, “Accept Your Mission” suggests you “counterbalance your down time with something that perks you up—makes you feel productive and passionate.”

• Plant Slant. Mr. B. wants us to “at least try to make breakfast and lunch plant based.”  At MYBA, we are also pro-plant, though we’ve yet to delve into diets.  Still, in “Make the change—and keep it,” we muse that “if your doctor says lose 40 pounds or risk a heart attack, BreakAway from bad foods and take a health sabbatical.”

• 80% Rule. Mr. B. offers more diet advice, including, “Try to avoid snacking.”  Hmmm.  Notably, we do diss any Sabbatical devoted to “dining in every trendy trattoria in Tuscany.” But moreso, we believe:  “Make it Yours,” including “feel free to disregard any or all of the ideas.”

• Wine at 5. “This is a must.”  MYBA:  Cheers to that, which we top off with, “And remember to enjoy everything in moderation, including moderation.”

• Family first: “A family that plays together stays together.”  MYBA:  “Bring the Whole Family: Sharing the experience of planning and actualizing a dream of this magnitude can be stressful at times, but the payoff is glorious.”  Again, great minds—at least decent family men—think alike.

• Faith Community. Mr. B. makes a pitch for religious retreats, “vacationing with a church group or at least staying with your religious routine.”  Amen!  MYBA has shied away from promoting religion (which can be so political and divisive), but we are adamant that a Sabbatical is about your “Life’s Work” and making “make sure there’s one meaningful activity you mean to commit to: That’s your Mission.”

• Right Tribe. Mr. Blue encourages travel with friends, making new ones, and introducing yourself to strangers.  Indeed!  And when you make new friends, you want to stay and enjoy them.  So MYBA suggests balancing structure with spontaneity to “combust into serendipity.”  No itinerary should stop a new friendship.

So Mr. B. and I must be long-lost cousins.  Or something.  Yet we may have a few minor differences.  For one, my blueprint states that a true BreakAway is at least 90 days—whereas the one that inspired his post lasted some 72 hours.

Mr. B. spent those three days sailing lazily from Tortola to Anegada in the British Virgin Islands.  Yes!  I concur that the BVI may be the most stunning paradise on earth.  But at the risk of nitpicking, I might prefer nightly stopovers in private but festive harbors like Peter Island, Virgin Gorda, and Jost Van Dyke.

And finally, I’d be remiss if I failed to mention that Mr. B. has made millions and changed countless lives, whereas this dreamer has made ends meet and, perhaps, inspired a few curious folks along the way.

It’s still not too late, though.  So I look forward to Mr. Blue’s response (if he’s not too busy sailing and avoiding snacks) and to planning my next bona fide BreakAway which, as if to prove my own assertions are only suggestions, will be a mere 35 days.

Stay tuned.  Stay healthy.  Stay blue.

Not yet.  But stick around a few years.  Time Warner did a study recently, and survey sez…

If they had to give up one thing, here’s what New Yorkers would give up:

• 32% would give up their coffee
• 30% would give up good bagels
• 3% would give up fast internet access

Facebook came along in, what, 2004?  Coffee has been around since, what, before dirt?  And as for bagels, we non-New-Yorkers wouldn’t know a good bagel if it bit us in the butt (so New Yorkers tell us).

Wonder how many would choose fast internet access over a career break?

No, no:  I don’t want to know…

Lots of people dream of taking a career break, and then there’s Alexis Grant.  She wrote the book on the idea—literally.  Some might question her sourcing, though, since the first quote (among many) comes from Yours Truly.  Thanks, Alexis!

Alexis believes in making your own luck, and it seems to be working well.  She recently left a “real” job,  helps other idea merchants as a social-media coach, blogs almost daily, and has a travel memoir in the publishing pipeline.  Atop all that, just returned from a mini-career break of her own in Nicaragua and Costa Rica.

Yet she still found time to answer a set of BA 11Qs.  Does she ever stop writing?  Let’s hope not!  And if you’re looking for savvy inspiration from many experienced sources, download a copy of How to Take a Career Break to Travel.  Today!

Once again…thanks, Alexis—for your comments here and for carrying a bright torch for the career-break movement.

1.  You’ve got a powerful web presence, but what do you call your “day” job?

I’m a writer, building my own business. I make my living by creating content in various forms: ebooks and digital courses that I sell on my website, social media marketing for small businesses and stories for magazines, newspapers and blogs. My web presence – mainly my blog and newsletters – supports all of these efforts.

I don’t really consider it a “day” job though. I don’t work 9-to-5 – I create my own schedule, sometimes taking time away from my desk to work out in the morning or writing late at night to finish a project. I’m my own boss, which means I can pursue ideas I’m excited about, so long as I can figure out how to make money off them.

2.  What are some of your other ventures (and how are they going)?

I’m running my first digital course – about how to use social media to Make Your Own Luck. This is the kind of project I love because it gives me a chance to teach others what I’ve learned, and it’s all email-based, which means I get to write.

I also offer a weekly newsletter called Solopreneur Secrets, through which I share what I learn about transitioning from working for a company to working for myself (I’m only six months into this new work-style). It’s a lot about building and selling products, creating a community online, and other challenges you’re likely to face if you take this route.

I should also mention that I’ve got a book out there in the publishing pipeline – that’s really why I started blogging to begin with. It’s a travel memoir about backpacking solo through Africa as a woman, an adventure I embarked on in 2008. The book is complete and with my literary agent, who’s now figuring out how to pitch it to publishers.

3.  How’d you become so inter-webs savvy?

By doing. Whenever I need to know how to do something – create newsletters, format an ebook, use a new social media tool to help a client land customers – I figure it out. The wonderful thing about the web is that there’s so much free information, you can teach yourself anything if you take the time to do it. Often, when I learn something, I share it on my blog, so others can learn it, too.

4.  Do you have time for any other hobbies, passions, diversions?

Sure! Spending time with friends and family is a big hobby, but I also put a good number of hours into working out at the gym, getting myself into nature on weekends and trying out different brunch spots around D.C.

My work feels like a hobby in some ways though; I love learning about entrepreneurship and how to earn a living through the web, so I often go to networking events or spend time reading books that help me reach that goal.

5.  How do you fit travel into your busy life (and how much do you get)?

I’m still figuring that out! I just took three weeks to travel in Nicaragua and Costa Rica. I dubbed it a working vacation, but what I learned is that I really don’t want to work while traveling. Yeah, I’ll check email daily and be available to put out any client-related fires, but I’d rather work my butt off ahead of time so I can leave my laptop closed while I’m away and really experience the places I visit.

One of the nice things about working for myself is my flexible schedule; it makes it easier to take long weekends to travel domestically. That’s what I’ll be doing a lot of for the rest of this year.

6.  How’d you muster the inspiration, investigation, and dedication it took to complete your e-book: How to Take a Career Break to Travel?

This is a topic I’m passionate about, so it didn’t take much self-convincing. I spent a big block of time solely writing the ebook during a two-week residency at VCCA (The Virginia Center for the Creative Arts), a writer’s colony. The guide is full not only of my advice, but also includes advice and ideas by a dozen or so other career-breakers (like Kirk!) who I interviewed. It was the perfect project for me because it combined my journalistic skills – interviewing and researching – with personal experience.

7.  What’s the response been like?

Anyone who’s read the guide has offered positive feedback. But to be honest, it really hasn’t sold that many copies! It’s been a learning experience for me, particularly since my first ebook, How to Build a Part-Time Social Media Business, has sold super well. I think this niche of taking a career break to travel appeals only to a small group of people. And that’s fine; I knew that going into the project, yet it was still worth it to me to write it well. It’s fun helping even that tiny slice of the population who wants to escape the grind and have a truly life-changing experience.

8.  Honestly, now:  Do you think there’s truly a “career-break movement?”

Well, I think a lot of people took career breaks when the economy tanked because they couldn’t find jobs, and I think it’s easier nowadays to find other people who are taking or have taken career breaks because of the web.

While the number of Americans taking breaks may have increased slightly over the last few years, it’s still such a small percentage of the population. That’s why us career-breakers have to stick together!”

9.  Hostel and/or 5-star:  What’s your travel philosophy and style?

Hostel, for sure. I like to make my money go far so I can travel for long periods of time. Plus, the community atmosphere at hostels makes it so much easier to meet other people – and that’s when you have awesome experiences and learn new things.

My tolerance for uncomfortable travel, however, is decreasing little by little. I’m in my early 30s now, and I like to have a hot shower and room to myself every once in a while. So I’ll do a dorm hostel most nights, but treat myself to an inexpensive private room when I need a break.

10.  It’s hard to choose (I know, right?) but what are some dreamiest places you’ve been—and long to be?

I really loved Madagascar. It has the unique feel of Africa, yet travel there wasn’t as difficult or expensive as West Africa. Plus, the wildlife there is really unique, since the island has been isolated for so many years, which allowed unique plant and animal life to develop. That’s the only place the lemur exists in the wild!

For those who enjoy first-world traveling, I’m a big fan of New Zealand, especially the south island. It’s a haven for outdoor-lovers.

11.  What’s next, and where might you see yourself in a decade or two?

I’m pretty content where I am right now! I don’t have concrete career goals like I used to when I worked as a journalist. Instead, my professional ambitions revolve around continuing to figure out how to continue to do work I love and have the flexibility to create the type of life I want to live, while still bringing in a paycheck.

I also want to have a family eventually, so I’m eager to see how that changes things – whether I’ll continue to create my own career or find myself yearning for the stability of working for someone else’s company. I do know that I want to continue to travel once I have kids – and I’m glad to have YOU as an example of how to do that!

Thanks for having me, Kirk.

A group of guy pals celebrated a friend’s retirement last week. He’s earned it; he’s ready. So what’s next?

I have no idea!”

he answered with a cunning grin.

He does still have a kid at home and more in college—plus cars and yards and chores.  So with or without plans of grandeur, he’ll be busy.  But for his sake, I hope not too!

• Will the “golden years” be golden?

My friend will be fine, congratulations.  But for millions of other boomers, the golden handcuffs that have kept them working appear to be turning to copper.  Research and surveys with tainted news fall upon us like pennies from purgatory.

• Surveys sez:

In a nationwide survey of workers age 60 and over,

11% of respondents said they don’t think they’ll ever be able to retire*

45% of baby boomers are at risk of running short in retirement**

20% have already received an inheritance***  (median value:  $64,000***)

15% still expect to receive one***

Baby boomers—that loud, proud crowd born between 1946 and 1964—have lived through an unprecedented standard of living boom.  They’ve helped swell American values like individuality, innovation, and entitlement.

• The $64,000 question

But will the boomers be able to take care of themselves as the years go by?  (There are still 77 million to worry about.)  Inheritance doesn’t look like the golden ticket.  And of course, Social Security and pensions ain’t what they used to be.  And let’s not even talk about healthcare costs.

For me, my friend’s stepping away from the paycheck is simultaneously celebratory and sobering.  What will our society look like in 2030 when 20% are senior-citizen boomers?  How many will be feeble and flat broke?  Is anyone earnestly addressing this stuff?

• Time for Temporary Retirement

Nobody knows the solutions.  But one thing’s for sure:  Many folks will be working later in life, and many may enjoy a shorter (or perhaps no) retirement.  As the old Hoyt Axton song goes,

Work your fingers to the bone, what’ya get?  Bony fingers!”

Moral of the story:  If you can, when you can, take your time—off.  The case for retiring now and then throughout your career keeps growing stronger.  Even if the justification includes potential boomer doom and gloom.

*CareerBuilder.com and Harris Interactive

**AARP

***USA Today, 5-25-11

Many a smoker has discovered that they could definitively kick nicotine only after they quit a job, avoided a happy hour, or moved away.  Yes, moving:  Sometimes the best way to achieve a goal or Mission is to go somewhere new—and leave the proverbial baggage behind.

• Enter “The Power of Habit”

A new book (with that title) by NYT biz writer Charles Duhigg explores the science of stubborn routines.  He focuses on how businesses can use habit info to sell stuff.  Think:  Amazon suggests a new album by a band you’ve bought before (cool).  Or:  Target sends you coupons for wart remover (creepy).

Mr. Dugligg also digs into the personal routine rituals that can cause habituality.  You know, the 7 am coffee; the 10 am donut; the 3 pm energy drink; the 5:55 pm martini.  He dubs it the “cue, routine, reward” cycle.

• Change your routine; change your life

Mr. Duhligg practically advocates BreakAways when he suggests that a change in scenery (and schedule and so on) can turn a creature of habit into a person reborn.  Even rote tasks like brushing teeth and tying shoes happen differently when we step off our routine treadmill, he says.

In a recent interview on NPR, he commented,

It’s also a great reason why changing a habit on a vacation is one of the proven most-successful ways to do it…because all your old cues and all your old rewards aren’t there anymore. So you have this ability to form a new pattern and hopefully be able to carry it over into your life.”

BreakAway theory insists that a Sabbatical might degenerate into mere vacation without a Mission—whether to quit smoking, start exercising, or pick up painting.  After all, we all have a closet full of bucket lists of things we want or need to do, but can’t find the time—until we commit to a BreakAway.

This new buzz book may tell us more than we care to know about how the new world of micro-marketing works.  But oddly enough, the same science also reminds us of the powers we hold within ourselves to break old habits—and make new, improved ones come to life.

Once upon a time, people grew their own food and played in the sunshine and sat around talkin’ story.  Nowadays, most of us choose instead to stare at screens and tap on plastics and text to invisible “friends.”

Fine.  Whatever.  LOL.  Nostalgia will get a guy nowhere and may, in fact, cause an incurable case of modern-day isolation.  That’s too bad.

The most vulgar part, though, is the sh*t-storm known as SPAM.  You can run, but you cannot escape.  You can Google cures, but the ill wind will blow again.  You can flee your devices screaming for mercy, but the demons will only find you again—in greater numbers than ever.

As for me, I’m getting pummeled and bullied to the tune of 100s a day now, and have called in pest control experts that, I hope, will arrive before I off my puter forever.

Meantime, a-holes who ought to be tortured and then hung by their skin, and then tortured some more, continue to blast me with inane offers for hook-ups, detox, drugs, debt reduction, and $1500—always $1500—as if that measly amount of money could make a mogul like me bite.

That said, if given the chance, I’d bite into these schmucks til they were bloody and begging for mercy, and then I’d throw them in to the salt pits and laugh (and then pee) in their faces.

It may have taken decades, but WE THE PUBLIC were able to more or less stop junk mail, telemarketers, and even doorknob solicitors.  If the internets are as vacuous and uncontrollable as they presently appear to be, we will not likely be so lucky in stopping SPAM.

You can’t make this stuff up.  So I leave you then, with a stool sample from one of the morons who disturbed my peace today.  At least it opens with two magical words:

• Possible Unplugged:

The risen factory aids the agenda with the psychologist endeavor. A nose reverts without a highway. The imperative sacks the optical regime. The helicopter correlates the stone. The alias walks past the poorest doe.

The reactor previews the unified school. Why can’t the yeti flame the biggest breath? The debate foams under the specialist. The extremist search loses behind the college. A house paces each slang on top of a second love. Each wound drawback migrates within the loading arch.

How does the atom pass the needle? The raid arrests the witch. The dustbin knights the abused roof. Around the worldwide compromise degenerates a vital waffle.

A gravitational rat rockets. A crossword suffers without the pronounced leg. A delicious accident speaks. The frantic standpoint speaks. The unseen stunts the assistant near the noble outline.

How can a shortest chat wash? A stream saves a rumor within the mixed festival. A cumulative gold fashions the iron. Over the kernel yawns the downhill. The riding starter paints a back.

How will the cumbersome sequel discard his biscuit? How can another transformed sentient flip? A wisest throughput gutters the romance. Can a gang yield a stressed century?

An upstairs stems whatever referenced agent against the courage. The expiring theme stunts the temperature. The seal trips below the electron. Any inadequate venture pounds down upon a committed restaurant.

Possible Unplugged:  was such jibberish even possible before the WWW?  And now I get hundreds a day.  Insane, indeed.